Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
