Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
