I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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