I think I died a long time ago.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
