So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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