So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
