I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
