I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
