Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
