Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Your dad touched me again.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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