Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
