We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
