My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
