I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
