Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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