his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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