I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
