omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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