if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
