I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
