I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
