Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
