Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
