im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just threw up on my dentist
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
