turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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