My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
