I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
