We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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