If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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