For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The adults are the big ones right?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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