he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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