Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
