my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
