If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Randomize
