I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
