I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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