they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
