I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
