He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
