Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
