So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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