Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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