You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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