i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize