Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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