oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
