after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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