he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
