Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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