He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
