New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
