I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
