You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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