just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
