So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The power of my boobs compel you
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
