so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I can't put those talents on a resume
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
