she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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