We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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