You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Randomize
