Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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