I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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