My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
