After last night, I could never be a politician.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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