Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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