...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize