Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
